It's been a while

Dear subscribers, I haven’t forgotten about you.

Over the past few years, I’ve been learning more about myself, particularly this year. I stepped away from “doing” to heal, and figure out what I want for the next chapter of my life.

Being able to do this is both a familiar and privileged position. I have been here before. When I was in my twenties and unable to conceive, I faced a similar transition, which took a decade of grieving to achieve.

Big existential questions are kinda my jam. I’m highly sensitive, so pondering stuff is something I’m good at, and despite everything, I’ve often stepped outside the expected path to live differently.

Over the years – and I’m 55 – I’ve thrown myself into many challenges. In this year of healing and reflection, I’ve learned that proving my worth was at the heart of everything.

Unfortunately, striving for more because you don’t know, trust, and love yourself only brings more striving. There’s no contentment, and it’s impossible to stop.

Figuring out what I want to do for the next five, ten, fifteen years has involved a process of unlearning. All of the voices that told me I had to be a certain way and live a certain way, voices that wormed their way into my psyche and built layers over who I am at my core.

It happens to all of us. We’re conditioned by our families, our communities, teachers, friends, media – the list goes on. And somewhere along the way, if we’re not given the tools to see and recognise who we are beneath the layers and unconditionally love that person, our truest self is lost.

I’d put myself into that category. Like the good old onion analogy, I’ve been peeling back the layers, from the paper-thin outer shell to the chunky, deeply embedded ones, until I reached the core.

Over the last wee while, this somewhat silent period with all of you, I’ve been deep in the centre of the onion – and yes, I just compared myself to an onion! It’s meant asking questions about my habits, perceptions, connections, and what brings me joy and makes me tick.

I was told the other day that I bury my head in the sand because I curate what I see, hear, and consume from the outside world. I’ve largely removed myself from social media and when I check in occasionally with friends my feed is heavily curated. I don’t watch mainstream media, or listen to it.

Part of my healing process has been removing everything that doesn’t add joy to my life. If this means I’m unaware of the atrocities humans continually perpetrate upon one another, then yep, I’ll happily bury my head in the sand.

I’m beginning to emerge with a greater understanding of what makes me tick, and what I want from life. I fiercely cherish those near me and hope that by knowing myself better, I allow them the space to do the same, rather than co-dependently attempting to control them – it’s a work in progress.

We’re often taught the wrong way to live for our truest selves to feel safe. It’s scary as hell figuring out how to trust ourselves.

I am safe.

I am enough.

These two little affirmations are at the heart of everything, and I finally believe them. It’s hard work letting go of all the ropes that bind your perceived identity and my inner child has been working overtime with frayed, knotted twine trying to keep me safe. Cutting them, letting go – wow.

So, that’s where I’ve been lately, and gardening, hiking, practicing meditation and yoga, biking, and letting a plan slowly present itself as I align with my authentic self for the first time. It’s pretty cool and I’ll keep popping into your inbox now and then to let you know how things are going.