The Pause
Have you ever watched a cat before it pounces? First there’s the stealthy crawl, the butt wriggle, and then they pause before launching.
I’ve been working on cultivating that pause. Not that I’m stalking some unsuspecting prey. I’m working to change how I respond to life, particularly my emotions.
Until my early fifties, I was a creature driven by high sensitivity, emotions, and my fight response. Despite years of practicing yoga and meditation, I never mastered the art of pausing before reacting.
Let’s face it, to a certain extent, we all respond to external stimuli based on what we learned early in life. If those formative years didn’t include understanding and processing your emotions in healthy ways, you’re probably still living to a certain degree at their mercy.
“Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. There are five key elements to EI: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills.”1
As a highly sensitive person, I’m pretty adept at reading other people’s emotions. The things I’ve struggled with throughout my life are knowing how to process emotions before I react, and minimising the impact of others’ emotional energy.
Everyone sits on the spectrum of EI and unless you actively pursue a better understanding of your own emotions, and in turn those around you, you’re likely reacting in ways that can be harmful to yourself and others.
Emotional intelligence affects:
Your performance at school or work. High emotional intelligence can help you navigate the social complexities of the workplace, lead and motivate others, and excel in your career. In fact, when it comes to gauging important job candidates, many companies now rate emotional intelligence as important as technical ability and employ EQ testing before hiring.
Your physical health. If you’re unable to manage your emotions, you are probably not managing your stress either. This can lead to serious health problems. Uncontrolled stress raises blood pressure, suppresses the immune system, increases the risk of heart attacks and strokes, contributes to infertility, and speeds up the aging process. The first step to improving emotional intelligence is to learn how to manage stress.
Your mental health. Uncontrolled emotions and stress can also impact your mental health, making you vulnerable to anxiety and depression. If you can understand, get comfortable with, or manage your emotions, you’ll also struggle to form strong relationships. This in turn can leave you feeling lonely and isolated and further exacerbate any mental health problems.2
Common signs of low EI include:3
A need to be right
Oblivious to other’s feelings
Insensitivity
Blaming others
Poor coping skills
Outbursts
Relationship struggles
Self-centeredness
One of the ways you can develop greater EI is to first, name your emotions, and second, cultivate a pause before reacting.
It’s easier said than done, particularly if you have no experience in stepping back from deeply embedded emotional responses.
Key components to cultivate EI
Managing stress
When we’re stressed it’s difficult to make rational decisions or pause before reacting. Find ways to reduce stress, whether it’s scheduling time for yourself, getting some exercise, being in nature, improving systems, or offloading something.
Name emotions
Many people don’t know what emotions they’re experiencing. Start noticing what you are feeling and name it. The act of engaging your cognitive brain by naming what you’re feeling helps you process the emotion and pause before you react.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness isn’t a mythical thing you need to sit on the ground cross-legged to achieve. It’s about paying more attention to the everyday moments of life. We spend so much time looking ahead (or backward), focusing on what’s next, and very little time in the present moment. Single-tasking can help with this – instead of attempting to do multiple things at once, focus on the task at hand. Voila! You’re being mindful.
As you become more mindful you see emotions as they rise, enabling you to become less reactive.
Breathe
I started training myself to pause before reacting to my emotions – and other people’s – by focusing on my breath. My old work colleagues will tell you, I wasn't always successful. My automatic response to emotions was to fight – it’s what I learned from a young age. By focusing on my breath and naming the emotions, I slowly cultivated the pause I needed and regulated my nervous system more effectively.
There are plenty of resources online about EI and how to improve it and the impact on your health, mental and physical, your relationships, and your work is profound – not to mention it’s a great way to improve our world.
1 Definition from: https://mhanational.org/what-emotional-intelligence-and-how-does-it-apply-workplace
2 https://www.helpguide.org/mental-health/wellbeing/emotional-intelligence-eq
3 https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-low-emotional-intelligence-2795958